How Did I Get Here?

Cohen- Part One

2012-01-31T12:20:00.000-06:00

You know those moments in life where you begin to think "Hey, I've got this." Things are going well, life isn't easy, but manageable and joy isn't too hard to find if you just look round. That's where I found myself last February: Chris was done with Fire Academy and looking for a job, I was waiting tables evenings and weekends to make ends meet until he found a job, almost all of our meals were made from scratch, I had a daily, weekly, and monthly schedule for everything and (though I wouldn't have admitted it) I was generally feeling like super-mom.

That's when I found out I was pregnant (surprise!). I was pretty upset at first and really nervous about Chris' job situation. After the initial shock wore off I bucked up and thought "I can do this!" Super-mom reappeared for about a week... until morning sickness hit. It was worse than I had ever experienced! That coupled with a crazy-hormonal shift sent me into a tale-spin of depression and exhaustion. Luckily I never threw up on anyone (or their food) while I was waiting tables.

Mid-way through my second trimester my energy returned. Chris got hired by a good department in a not-too-far suburb. Things were going well. Something about this baby felt a little different, so I was just sure I'd be having a girl. I had both of my big boys at the hospital with a midwife we loved, but had always wanted a homebirth, so I made an appointment with the midwives who attended homebirths in our area. Anticipation mounted as I struggled back and forth about whether or not I wanted to know the gender at our ultrasound. Chris won out and we decided to find out. As soon as they got the picture on the screen we saw it: A clear dead on shot of our little baby's boy parts. I swallowed my disappointment and pride and began making plans for another rowdy boy.

Later that week I received a phone call from one of the midwives at the hospital. She told me that she wanted to discuss my ultrasound. I knew something must wrong, as I had never "discussed my ultrasound results" with either of the other boys. I sat down immediately, bracing myself for the worst.
"Your baby has BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Each of those things can be an indicator of down syndrome on it's own, but with all three it doesn't look good." She encouraged me to get a blood test that would help narrow my odds and told me that it would be a good idea to get an amniocentesis if the odds were high.

I told Chris and we cried for hours. We mourned the loss of the "normal" baby we had expected. We cried for the years we thought we'd have alone together since we had had our children when we were young. We wept at the thought of burdening our other children after we were gone. But mostly, I think, we cried with guilt for feeling the way we did. We loved our baby and we wanted to accept him for whoever he was, but we both really hoped that he didn't really have it.

I did the blood test, hoping that it would erase all of the fear that had grown in my heart. The odds for a woman my age to have a baby with down syndrome are like 1:1100, so I was expecting my results to reflect that. They didn't, 1:40.

We cried some more.

The genetic counselor called. The results from the blood test combined with the results of the ultrasound put us at 1:13.

I laughed and cried at the same time when I hung up the phone. Somehow I knew that he had it, even though I didn't want to admit it.

I did a lot of research- part of me getting excited, realizing that an extra chromosome isn't the end of the world. Every time I heard of someone with Down Syndrome doing something wonderful I would fly. But every time I saw a list of the health concerns associated with Down Syndrome I would sink. My days were a mess. I put into words the real juxtaposition of emotion that I felt. The heart and breathing problems that are often present in newborns with Down Syndrome made me give up me dream of a homebirth in order to insure we were near a good NICU.

I decided against the amniocentesis, even though it would have given us a definitive answer to whether or not he had Down Syndrome- it had a miscarriage rate of about 1:100 and I didn't feel like playing the odds.

One of the things that was noted in the ultrasound was a possible problem with the kidneys, so we had to go for ultrasounds every 4-6 weeks. It was wonderful! Just when I'd be feeling most worried or fearful I'd get to go into a dark room and watch my precious one play, suck his thumb, and squiggle around. I was able to his growth from month to month and enjoy him for what he was: a baby.

So we waited...

More good news!

2011-06-18T07:39:00.001-05:00

After last's week's great news that my man got hired on a wonderful fire department, I'm ready to share more good news! We're expecting another little boy in November. I am officially a boy mom now. That's still sinking in :)

2011-06-09T20:10:00.003-05:00

There are so many reasons I can give for not finding the time to update my blog, the main one being exhaustion from working 6 nights a week and trying to love on my boys all day. But all that's about to change! In 3 weeks I will no longer be the one bringing home the bacon (more like bringing home the peanut butter!) My man just got hired on by a wonderful fire department in the area! So wonderful, in fact, that they'll be paying for him to go through paramedic school on his days off! It really is everything we've been hoping for!

That's all the excitement I can handle for tonight, more coming next week.

I guess it's our motto

2011-02-11T19:47:00.006-06:00

It's amazing how a small, seemlingly simple moment can change your life.

Mr. Reliable was in Maia's office hanging out when one of the young missionary students came in and asked to borrow Maia's cooking stone. She quickly agreed, producing the aged and seasoned stone with a gentle reminder that it was valuable to her and to be careful with it. Mr. Reliable and Maia returned to their conversation as the student left the office. Moments later a crash was heard from the kitchen; Maia froze. Both of them knew what had happened: the cooking stone was gone. At that Maia, rather than curse and berate the girl, looked up at Mr. Reliable and said, "People are always more important than things." And then went to help pick up the pieces of her broken treasure and assure the sweet girl who had broken it that everything was okay.

That moment, years ago, has deeply impacted our family. It may not seem profound, but this statement has taken root in our very souls. It's the core of how we want to live and what we want to pass on to our children. People are valuable, far more valuable than a fancy vacation, a nicer car, or even a precious cooking stone. I guess it's our motto.

Ethan's Miracle

2011-01-07T14:56:00.004-06:00

Grab This Button

Last year I shared about our family tradition of choosing someone to help every year at Christmas time. This year we gave what we could to help a precious little one who was destined to spend his days in a living hell a forever home. Here you can read about what Ethan is experiencing and the love that awaits him. Maybe someone else has a little to spare this month to ransom Ethan.

Having it all

2010-11-15T11:22:00.004-06:00

How do working moms do it?

I'm only working about 15 hours a week in the evenings and weekends to help make ends meet until Mr. Reliable finishes the Academy (one more month!) and gets hired on somewhere, but I'm starting to fall behind. My energy and patience are being stretched thin, the dishes and laundry are piling up (more than normal), and our nutritional needs are not being met in the way they were when I had an extra 15 hours a week. Only since I have entered the workforce outside the home have I realized how much I love my job as a homemaker and how very valuable it is. I think without this time I would have continued to believe the Great American Lie, that it was possible for women to "have it all." Maybe it is possible to "have" it all, but I think it is absolutely impossible to enjoy "it all." We sacrifice according to what is important to us. And unless we have endless amounts of hours and energy, either career or family life (probably both) will have to suffer.

Working is necessary for now, but I'm really looking forward to being able to invest all of my time and energy into our home again.

I cannot imagine the plight of a single mom who has no option but to work full time. What a difficult position!

Thank you for letting me sit and ramble while I should be washing dishes.

Boots

2010-10-28T12:20:00.005-05:00

My older boy is turning 3 on Saturday!

I cannot believe that this precious baby is really a preschooler!

He just learned to sit up yesterday, didn't he?

At least he still sleeps with Shine Shine Bear!

He's not a baby anymore.

He's a smart, funny, energetic little boy!

And I love him even more than I did the day he was born.

Happy Birthday Boots!

Bringing Up Boys

2010-10-26T12:19:00.006-05:00

I'm not really a big "Focus on the Family" fan. Someone gave me the FOTF Baby Book when my older boy was born and a lot of the things that are important to me (cloth diapers, natural birth, midwifery, breastfeeding, the list goes on...) were dismissed as old fashioned or even dangerous. So I haven't used them as any sort of resource since then. Until recently, that it.

I finally got around to picking up the copy of Bringing Up Boys that my Mother-in-Law gave us a couple years ago. To say that I was skeptical would be an understatement. I was pleasantly surprised by what I found: a mostly balanced view on how to teach boys to become good men. Most chapters included in depth research, which was rather important to me considering the rash conclusions drawn in the only other Focus on the Family book I had read. I really enjoyed the studies on the differences between boys and girls. The book looks at many of the challenges facing boys and their parents today and offers practical advice on how to avoid some of the most common pitfalls.

Just like any book, there were areas I don't particularly agree with, but all in all it was a good read!

And the more I read the more thankful I became for Mr. Reliable, who is a great man and an excellent father.

5 thoughts

2010-08-18T13:04:00.007-05:00

I made the most wonderful protein bars this week (they came from Passionate Homemaking) ; everyone who has tried them adores them.
Now I just have to figure out how to cross things out without deleting them.
Mr. Reliable is plugging away at the academy; already 5 of the 30 cadets have dropped out. They spend most of the day outside, doing drills in their turnout gear (in 100+ temperatures). Most of the guys have quit because it's to hot and/or hard. Maybe they didn't think this whole firefighter thing through... because most people would assume that fighting fires is both hot and hard.
I have read Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? At least 8 times this morning, and will probably read it again as soon as I finish this post.
I got a job! And I love it! I've started waiting tables on the weekends to help make ends meet while Mr. Reliable is in the academy. It's really fun to get out of the house and relate to other adults!

Have a happy Wednesday!

Room Time

2010-08-03T17:01:00.003-05:00

Room Time is the #1 sanity saver in my day.

It's pretty simple. Each boy goes to a separate space (Boots in the bedroom and Snugs in the pack & play) and plays all alone for 30 minutes.

Here is a little glimpse into my life before we re-instated (I have no idea why we ever stopped) room time:

It's 4:45 and both boys are crying. The little one because he just got tackled by the Boots. Boots tackled his brother because I couldn't read him a story while I cut the veggies for the salad. I walk into the living room to try and fix things, but neither boy wants to be in my lap with the other. So I alternate between the two (neither satisfied) until Mr. Reliable walks in at 5:30 to see our messy house, teary faces, and dinner that's not quite ready.

Now instead each boy goes to his space at 4:45 and I do my final dinner prep, pick up the living room, and take a few minutes to sit my myself. When room time is over at about 5:15 the boys are so excited to be reunited, they act like they haven't seen each other in weeks and play together happily until their daddy arrives at 5:30.

It works perfectly; except on days like yesterday, when Mr. Reliable didn't walk in the door almost 6. On those days I just remind myself that someday this will all be funny.

a year and a half.

2010-07-25T21:18:00.004-05:00

It's been almost a year a a half since we left Asia to clear our heads and "figure things out." We're settled, I gave birth to our second baby, we bought a house, and have a new career on the way, but my head is no clearer and I've figured nothing out.

A good friend recently told Mr. Reliable that he has felt that his time in the ministry is a race and he has always vowed to finish well; not knowing wether that finish line is at the end of his life or just around the corner. Mr. Reliable later explained his feelings to me this way:

"It's like I was running a marathon. I was doing well, keeping a steady pace the all of the other runners, not struggling to keep up and not running far ahead, just running well. Then, when I closed my eyes for a second it was gone. Not as though I had finished the race, but like it simply vanished. There was no trace of the race, so sign of the other runners, and no markers for the course. I couldn't find any evidence of it at all."

He put into words exactly what I have been feeling for the last year and a half. I just keep hoping that as we move on with life, we'll find more than just proof of some race, but maybe we'll stumble onto the... I was going to say prize, but that's not really what I'm looking for. The truth. Maybe we'll stumble onto the truth.

He Did It!

2010-07-22T16:31:00.002-05:00

He did it!

Mr. Reliable is officially a fire cadet!

2 boys with fevers are calling my name; but I had to share my excitement!

Fighting Fire

2010-07-01T20:50:00.004-05:00

Tonight is Mr. Reliable's last night at a job he hates. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. He's leaving his steady job, (at which he would easily be promoted within 2 years) to fight fire. He has applied for the fire academy that 23 of the fire departments in our area hire from; but we won't find out if he gets accepted until the last week of July (the academy starts the first week of August). We saved and saved and have paid our mortgage and car payment ahead until February; we've done all we can to get our ducks in a row. So now we wait.

He's not a man who can just "do a job" for a paycheck. He needs to do something he finds meaningful. The job he is leaving could lead to a $100,000 a year salary within 10 years, the one he's trying to get will probably never reach anywhere near those numbers. But it will allow him the freedom to love people, to treat people with compassion and respect, and to be with people in their hour of greatest need, and no six-figure salary can compare to that. I'm so proud of him and there is no one I'd rather be out on a limb with.

Our Favorite Muffins

2010-06-15T14:16:00.005-05:00

Since I've been gone so long with no logical explanation, I thought I start back up with something useful: Our favorite muffins! These are easy enough for little ones to help and delicious. I just puree the veggies in my little food processor.

Ingredients

1/4 cup vegetable oil (I prefer canola oil)
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg
3/4 cup apple sauce
1 cup grated carrot
1 cup grated zucchini (just about any squash will do)
1 cup all-purpose whole wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt

1. Preheat oven to 400°F (200°C).

2. In a large bowl, whisk together oil and sugar. Beat in egg, then applesauce. Stir in carrots and zucchini.

3. In another large bowl, whisk together flours, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt.

4. Fold dry ingredients into wet, until just mixed. Grease muffin tray. Spoon batter to the very top of muffin cups and bake 18-20 minutes or until a toothpick or cake tester comes out clean when inserted in a muffin.

Enjoy!

My Poor Neglected Blog

2010-05-08T20:32:00.002-05:00

Dear Blog,

I am sorry I have neglected you. My thoughts lately have been sort of personal, and well, I'm sorry to tell you, but.... You are a huge blabber mouth. I can't tell you anything without the whole world (or at least 6 people) hearing all about it. But I really do like you and I'll be spending more time with you in the near future.

Sincerely,

Rachel

finding new jeans

2010-03-14T20:28:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about growing pains (the actual process, not the show) About how it just kind of hurts to change and grow; and how sometimes the ideas you've worn for years just don't seem to fit anymore and not only that, they're more worn out than your favorite pair of jeans (you know, the ones that have holes in all the wrong places, but you just can't toss). And where do you go to find new ones that fit anyway? The new ones are all too low and they make you look like you have a serious case of mom butt.

I can't contemplate anymore tonight. I'm going to watch lost on hulu and pretend that my jeans fit just fine.

slow down

2010-03-04T20:42:00.003-06:00

As I was preparing lunch today Snugs started crying. I quickly remembered that I hadn't changed his diaper in a little while and started to have a mini mental meltdown. I sat my sauce-covered spoon on the counter, grabbed him out of the exersaucer, and frantically looked for a clean diaper cover. He was laying on the floor looking up at me and crying as I pulled at the snaps on his sleeper. Then I saw his face. I took a deep breath and realized that no one was going to be upset if lunch was five minutes later. No one even cared! Mr. Reliable had taken Boots to the store to pick up something he needed, but my little one needed me. I smiled at him and spoke to him quietly. He stopped crying.

I had completely missed his need. Yes, his diaper was wet and he wanted a dry one, but he NEEDED to know that I love him, that I think he is wonderful, and that a late lunch and messy kitchen are not more important to me that him. I don't know why the tasks get so overwhelming that I forget why or for whom I am doing them.

Thank You Blogger Moms

2010-01-13T12:53:00.005-06:00

Yesterday morning, as we were eating breakfast, I was explaining the health benefits of the lacto-fermented salsa I've been enjoying making lately to Mr. Reliable when he suddenly stopped me. "You should teach a class!" he said emphatically.

"A class about salsa? It isn't really that hard, I doubt anyone needs a class on it."

"No, I mean... The way you combine thriftiness and healthiness! I can see you teaching a class on it."

This is possibly the best compliment I have received in years! Not because I want to teach a class or because I think I'm even half-way qualified, but in that statement he was telling me that he thinks I take care of our family so well that I should teach other people how to do the same! I think as a wife and a mom I am constantly trying to find a better way to do things- and it feels so good to be recognized!

So thanks friends and blogger moms for sharing all your tips, ideas, recipes, trials and errors! You are helping me be a better homemaker; and that makes my home happier!

Morning Joy

2010-01-04T07:22:00.002-06:00

Having two babies in two years has made me forget how wonderful a quite morning is! For about a week now I've been waking up an hour before the boys stir to stretch, grab a piece of fruit, and sometimes even take a shower in privacy (it's wonderful!). I am so much happier to hear their little voices in the morning when I'm awake and alert than when it's the first sound I hear and I'm just praying that it's still nighttime and that they'll go back to sleep.

I hear a little voice right now!

My Totally Attainable Resolutions

2009-12-31T14:25:00.005-06:00

I've never been one to do New Year's Resolutions. I think it's because I have always felt that many people set too high of goals and never actually attain them. And honestly, I just can't deal with that kind of disappointment.

So today I am making a new tradition:

My Totally Attainable Resolutions

1. Change 1000 diapers

2. Learn the names of all the trains on Thomas and Friends

3. Get a lot of slobbery kisses

4. Eat Chocolate (I might check that one off tonight...)

5. Have a Pajama Day with the boys

6. Finish unpacking

7. Go one day without getting spit-up in my hair (this one could prove more difficult)

8. Read a book that doesn't rhyme or have big pictures in it

I'll keep you posted ;-)

Happy New Year!

Freedom for Christmas

2009-12-22T13:22:00.003-06:00

It's christmas time again. I've been really busy this month with projects (pictures to come when I get my camera from my parents). I made all our gift sacks from scrap cloth my mom gave me, made several hand picked herbal teas, and made felt food for Boots and all 3 of my nieces.

We're celebrating Christmas as a family tonight, since we will be leaving town when Mr. Reliable gets off work on Christmas eve. We will exchange gifts, eat pizza (family favorite), drink hot chocolate, and pick someone to help. This year it's with the International Justice Mission. We can choose to designate our money to a certain area or to a specific need (rescuing trafficked women, freeing slaves, justice for the sexually abused, or protecting widows and orphans). If you are not familiar with the IJM it's worth checking out! They work on the whole picture, investigating possible crimes against humans, rescue and aftercare, and prosecution of the people who commit the crimes. The website is www.ijm.org Can you imagine giving someone freedom for christmas? Merry indeed. That's the kind of stuff Jesus does.

Have a happy holiday.

goodbye fall...

2009-12-03T12:37:00.002-06:00

I can not believe it's December. I love everything about Autumn- the smells, the crisp air, the beautiful leaves, plus we have our birthdays and anniversary.

I am realizing I love it so much that I'm missing out on 3 other seasons! I spend the first part of winter wishing it were still fall, then finally resign myself the the fact that it's over and suddenly spring has arrived. Spring is pleasant, but I can't help finding myself wondering why the budding of a tree's leaves isn't nearly as beautiful as the way it parts with them. And summer begins, the heat reminds me why I love the fall and I dream the summer away with thoughts of cool evenings and pumpkin muffins.

What a waste!

I can't help thinking that I live most of my life the way I think of the seasons; how many beautiful opportunities am I missing?

So, in honor of the change in my viewpoint on life, I am going to embrace the season! I am trying to think of fun things to do with the boys that will highlight the wonderful things that happen in the winter.

...I'm not coming up with much (I've had this habit way too long!) Any suggestions?

I guess while they nap I better look for a less "Fall-themed" blog template too!

moving sale

2009-11-24T12:23:00.006-06:00

A month or so ago, I helped my grandma with her moving sale. A man came in and was standing in the kitchen, obviously wanting to talk, so I give him the necessary half-smile to acknowledge his presence and the conversation begins and goes something like this:

Man: "Well, I just got home from a retreat, so I'm wearing my casual clothes"

I nod my head

Man (in a voice of importance): "You know, a pastor's retreat. It was good. Then my wife wanted to take me around to all these sales"

Me: "Oh"

Man (with pride swelling in each word): "We like to go to these sales to buy things for the church. Everything we buy is for the church. Well, and for my grandson and his new wife. I married them at the church I got married at."

Me (in the flattest tone I could utter): "That's nice."

Man (as proud as a man can get): "Yeah, they didn't want anyone else to marry them, I'm a pastor, you know."

That is when I exited the room and left him standing there by himself.

Leaving was the ONLY thing I could do!!!

He then entered the living room to spread his "christian love" to the rest of my family and the shoppers.

I can not figure out what the man wanted from me!?!? Did he want me to treat him special? Give him a discount? Ask him to pray for me? Beg him to anoint the house with oil?

I don't know what he wanted, but I sure do know that his behavior has caused me to cringe at the idea of being labeled a christian.

Jesus was kind, humble, and loving. And love is not boastful, proud, or self-seeking. Jesus is somebody I can follow.

PS I just love this picture from the city we used to live in's celebration of the "Year of the Cow" Yes. That cow is mooning you.

***edited to add the (emotions)

hope

2009-11-18T08:41:00.006-06:00

3 things in particular have given me hope lately.

When I published my last post about my questions I was really nervous about the response I might get, but I really wanted an outlet to be real and say what I was thinking. And I am so glad I did. Several friends have shared that they are in the same place and many more, who may not be the that place, just gave me the freedom to be real and to wrestle through this.

I recently read a book called "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian McLaren. It was really good. It asked a lot of the same questions I have been recently facing and it did so gracefully, sans the twinge of cynicism that my questions have been coming with.

I also saw the video below a couple of weeks ago; it is possibly the most beautiful and hopeful thing I have seen in a really long time. I really identified with it.

When the country we lived in hosted the Olympics, they built walls of lovely fake buildings and homes to hide the slums that could be seen from the highways and trains. Tourists were satisfied by the fact that they didn't have to face the reality of poverty, even though they knew it existed. I find hope in the fact that I'm not the only one who can no longer live with the paper-thin wall of religious answers constructed in front of the slums of reality. If there are people writing books and making films like these then there is a movement, and on the edge of the movement is the possibility for real, lasting change.

What's for dinner?

2009-11-16T20:59:00.001-06:00

I used to DREAD this question. Especially when we lived overseas... because most days I only began thinking about it when the question was asked (you know, right before Mr. Reliable wanted to eat...)

In the last year I have discovered 2 miracles: Planning and the Crock-Pot.

Now I plan our meals on Saturday or Sunday, writing down each meal and making a list of all the necessary ingredients as I go. I plan our left overs for lunches or for other meals (like I'll cook ground meat on Monday for chili; use half and freeze the other half for a pasta sauce on Friday). I guess lots of people are smarter than I am and have been doing this forever, but since I picked up I am SO much less stressed and it saves us money since I go to the grocery store knowing exactly what I need.

We eat 3 to 5 meals a week out of our crock-pot. Seriously. I can do all of the prep work in the morning with Boots helping stir and measure and Snugs napping. Then at 5:00 all I have to do is toss a salad or make some rice and we're ready to eat! It may sound silly, but it brings so much peace to our household when I'm not rushing around to get dinner on the table, while Mr. Reliable, tired from a long day's work is having to half-heartedly and hungrily tend the the boys!

Okay... I guess that's my mama talk for today...

2009-11-12T15:04:00.002-06:00

This is what I woke up this morning. And so far that's been the best part of the day. But tomorrow's a new day.

lucky

2009-11-11T06:28:00.008-06:00

Mr. Reliable and I have just recently admitted to each other something that both of us have been thinking for a while. We got lucky. Our story seems somewhat exciting and romantic (young missionaries meet on the other side of the world and fall in love! awww!), but honestly we married out of convenience. We barely knew each other, but we were on the same team and were serving the same people, plus he was cute and he thought the same about me. We both followed Jesus, so why not? So we got married. We had a lot of learning to do that first year. And I got pregnant really quick, so my sweet Mr. Reliable was trying to get to know his new bride, but I was a crazy, emotional, pregnant mess. Really I'm pretty glad he doesn't believe in divorce, because I'm sure I was making him crazy. Thankfully we survived!

We both recently come the the realization that we are so lucky that even though we jumped into a marriage the way we did we love each other. We have met other couples who married for the same reasons and were not so lucky... and that makes me take note even more how much I love him.

Mr. Reliable is a good man, he's so funny and wonderfully supportive in all of my new pursuits and interests (even when in means no more Twinkies and little Debbies). He's handsome and strong and an awesome daddy to our little men.

And he's my best friend.

Happy Anniversary Mr Reliable!

when i started asking questions

2009-11-10T12:12:00.000-06:00

I grew up in a fairly conservative home: went to church camp every year, learned to memorize religious acronyms like f.a.i.t.h., and could beat any "sinner" over the head with the bible.

A few bumps in the road mellowed me out a little bit: I mean, I still knew that I was right and you were wrong ,but at least I wasn't as verbally aggressive.

The last year absolutely destroyed the framework of my faith. Mr. Reliable and I had 10 deaths in the course of a year, including the murder or some of Mr. Relaible's childhood friends. Then there was a mentor that we were sure God was going to heal, and we knew that even if Orv did die God was going to raise from the dead. So when he died, we prayed. We waited for God to do what we knew he was going to do for us. And He didn't. Orv was gone. And with him went our confidence in all we knew. We lived on the opposite end of the world from our friends and family, so as our pain mounted we began shutting down. I hid and Mr. Reliable got angry. The winters in our area were cold and I was caring for a baby and pregnant, so no one expected me to go out. Poor Mr. Reliable and the sweet little local woman who helped me this our house became my contact with the outside world. We were miserable. We were full of the questions that your not supposed to ask, you know, the ones that real christians don't ask. Like, "Why do really horrible things happen to people?" and "Do they really go to hell to suffer forever after they have lived a miserable existence?" among many others. Every story we read online about child soldiers and women bred to be prostitutes, every little old beggar woman on the street corner, and every time we saw a young illegal child (we lived in a country were population was restricted, leaving an entire population that could never legally get jobs, medical care, or a legitimate lifestyle) we were reminded of our questions. We would get well-intentioned emails from friends telling us just how proud they were and how they wished they could do what we did... and our questions grew. Our love for the people around us was beginning to drown in our every growing sea of questions. So we did the one thing neither of us expected: we packed up our things and left. Not to go to a more remote area or a more needy people, no, nothing so exciting, we took our 5 suitcases and a couple boxes containing all our earthly possessions and settled in the American suburbs.

Here we have the freedom to ask our questions without quite the same amount of pressure. So far, through my wonderings and questioning the only thing I feel confident about is Jesus and the things he said. I don't know about heaven and hell, about why people suffer, or about why most christians are just so damn mean (but that's a question for another day...). But I know that I like Jesus, and I want to do the kind of things I saw him do.

The death of channel surfing...

2009-11-09T13:23:00.004-06:00

My little man loves to sing and dance. I mean he loves to sing and dance. One of the first things he does after breakfast every morning is to ask me to turn on the "meamu" so he can dance. He's at the age where he picks up on everything and he has just realized that the songs on the radio have real words to them. We do a lot of channel surfing in the car, because like most people, we hate commercials! So we tend to stop on anything that has a decent beat... that's officially over.

Saturday night we went to some friends' house for dinner. They are great friends, but definitely fall on the more conservative end of the spectrum. As we were all enjoying our dinner, Boots decided to share his vocal stylings with us: "Good Night... Tonight Good, Gooooood Night, Good Night! ("Tonight's gonna be a good night, Tonight's gonna be a good, good night...") " We laughed and explained that it's a song on the radio that Cyrus really likes. Before we could finish our explanation he bursts out into his rendition of Gwen Stephani's "Hey Baby." Yep. They understood him. "Is that 'Hey Baby'?" that asked. And my cheeks got red. There died our channel surfing days. RIP.

Boots really is an awesome boy with such a fun personality. He has a special song that he made that he likes to sing throughout the day and always before bedtime. It goes like this: "Jee-jaa, I wrike Jeja" Translation: "Je-sus, I like Jesus" It melts my heart. And helps me to get through the "hey baby" incidents.

The Line-Up

2009-11-08T15:24:00.004-06:00

I spend most of my life with my family. They are who I think about, so naturally they are who I write about...
Here's the line-up:

Me- I'm Rachel. I'm not really sure how to introduce myself, but I'll get there eventually!

Mr. Reliable- My wonderful husband. We met overseas doing the same work and have been married 3 years now. Mr. Reliable is a good, hard-working man. He's compassionate and loving, but not the romantic type. He thinks in lines and patterns, cause and effect, you know the type. He's pretty predictable (but don't tell him I said so :) ). He's a good lookin' man (and he's looking really good now that he's started doing a more physical type of job!) and I am crazy about him!

Boots- Our toddler. He just turned 2 and is really struggling into independence. He is SO much like his daddy (thinks in lines and patterns), but a little more artistic. He loves to sing and dance. And he is too smart for his own good.

Snugs- The baby. He's 6 months old and is our people person. Look at him and he'll smile and coo; don't look at him and he'll squeak and yell until you notice him so he can smile and coo.

Snugs is squeaking and Boots will be awake soon, I hope you are have a restful sunday afternoon!

My first post as a blogger...

2009-11-06T12:10:00.002-06:00

Wow.. here I am... with a blog of my own! I have to admit that starting this blog has a little to do with the fact that I wanted to enter a contest on another blog... that coupled with the fact that a wonderful friend of mine just started a blog made it too good to pass up!
I'll be posting the introductions soon (just in case someone other than my Family and Brandi is reading!); until then have a happy Friday!